It’s been a long day, feels like I spent it pushing a pineapple out of my nostril…
I’m exhausted, tired of thinking.
I’ve actually been thinking about my mental fatigue, how brain activity is not so simple anymore.
I used to wake up in the morning, open my eyes, say a little prayer (for gratitude purposes) then kick off my blankets and utilize my brain to formulate thoughts regarding how I’m going to break my 8 hour fast.
I would then get a pain at the back of my skull, and that would be resulting from my brain pressurising itself to think about what I’m going to wash down my food with.
I would then lift my body, using my lower limbs to head towards the kitchen to get a glass of water :p ….
Now, fast forward to NOW, the moment I’m living in.
It all seems so hard, the pain isn’t just at the back of my head anymore, its all around my head, even my neck. I open my eyes, kick off my blankets, shower, get my car keys, say my little prayer while I put the key in the ignition…
Its all done quickly because my brain chooses to focus more on the red light flashing on my blackberry, its more like anxiety than brain activity… or are the two interconnected?
I failed biology, so anatomy is like chinese to me (even though I can say ni hao). Ok, enough bluffing, and back to how my morning revolves around brain function. So, I say amen, then read my bbm’s: Its an ex losing her brain cells about a skype message she send to me even though, I was OFFLINE.
Again I’m pressured to think of a reply; 1, do I say I didn’t see it, OR do I ignore the message? Even though bbm will sell me out because it’ll state that the message was not only delivered, but it was read too.
I finally turn the keys, car starts, I step on the clutch pad, gear on 1, release then accelerate… funny how such doesn’t require brain function, habitual things never are. My drive is bombarded with music, my need for a rolled down window, thinking about a response to an ex and how I’m an hour away from my destination, but I need to be there in 20 minutes.
So, from this point on… I’ve realised that emptiness can feel heavy, and its hard having to parent my emotions… the difficulty is from realising I’m doing it on my own. I’m tired of weathering storms unforecast. I want to live an obligation free life. I’ll be clear that people’s opinions about me will not bother me, their tears will be their own, because I’m not a sponge and so I won’t suck them up… and…..
I’m not a therapist.
All I want to do is not think, not wonder, not obsess, not imagine; Just breathe.
Everything tends to work out in the end.